Breaking Down: Healing

I've been noticing a trend of negativity in my life lately. Consumed with what others thought of me, my actions, and my family. NO MORE. My insistence to control everything around me must stop. It has become rather obvious to me as to how much I've been pushing God away with my constant need to keep busy and control (or what I think is control) my own life. Yay for revelations!

Yesterday after waiting to hear from Tom, I completely broke down crying. You really don't realize what you've got until it's gone. Tom is my world. He is the man of my dreams and my knight in shining armor. Missing him is huge, but not being able to communicate with him as readily as I have these past few weeks is totally killing me. I guess I didn't quite grasp it until now.

Again today at church I could not stop crying. Do you think God is working on tearing down those walls in my heart? I think so. I'm not going to complain though. It was so needed. It was actually one of my favorite services of all time. Maybe that's why I was so sad. God was encompassing me in a way that I have desired for so long, but I never let Him in enough to do so. The worship music got to me and I began to sob. I also was given the opportunity to play saxophone for special music this morning. After crying I didn't know how I would go up there and play, but I knew that God would (and he did) give me the strength. It was the worst, strangest, and best church service of my life.

Things are finally coming together. God is taking our family out of the comfort zone we've been in for so long. It's hard. I'm not going to lie that sometimes I wish it was all a dream and that maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and life will be back to normal. It's not going to happen though. We've been called by God and we're going to follow Him.

Our passports came in this past Friday and I'll be sending out our applications for the British visas tomorrow. I'm praying and it is my desire that Will and I will be able to go to England on this coming Saturday, but again God's timing and His will are better than any plan that I can come up with. So I humble myself and ask that His will be done in our lives. There's a reason for everything.